Chapter 44
Carolyn (March 1958)
...
As Carolyn remained in bed for the entire day, she thought about how this may have been the first weekday she's had off in almost a year. Of course there were never classes on the weekends; they were mostly filled with studying and the occasional trip to the day room and library. Having a weekday off felt different, almost like an accomplishment. None of the other girls were able to enjoy the silence of their rooms during the day. They were all trapped, enjoying their classes. Carolyn chuckled at the thought. Her stomach knotted when her mind wandered to Nancy. She felt anxieties rise and hoped, prayed, that Nancy actually did have a plan and would quickly come back. What if the so-called plan failed and Nancy didn't return? Would that mean Nancy would simply get sent back to the school to finish? Carolyn thought that her family would be rich enough and have enough power to get that approved by the mistress. Or will Nancy get admitted to the asylum her father had threatened her with? Carolyn couldn't stand the thought of Nancy being stuck in a place for lunatics. She thought about her mother's sister, her Aunt Delia, who was sent to such a place when she was a teenager.
"Your Aunty Delia has demons," her mother would remind her.
Carolyn remembered that when she was younger, they would visit Aunt Delia twice a month and every single time, Carolyn seemed unafraid of her aunty. Her mother would tell her to mind her manners and keep her distance but Aunt Delia would embrace young Carolyn and kiss her on the top of her head.
"You're such a beautiful and happy girl," Delia would always say.
Carolyn thought her aunt appeared to be a normal woman, so why was she locked up in a place where people would bang their heads on the walls and scream at all hours without help from the cruel staff? Carolyn never understood and then one day, she learned that the visits to see her aunty were going to stop. Aunt Delia had passed away; she had hung herself in her room and Carolyn thought about how the asylum drove her mad and that she would've been better off at home surrounded by people who loved her.
"It was too late for Delia," she remembered her mother saying at the funeral. "She wasn't fit for her societal role. She struggled and all the help in the world wouldn't have been enough for her."
Carolyn feared that Nancy would be in the same position if she were to get caught. She hoped that everything would turn out fine.
Carolyn turned in her bed and rested her eyes, but she was unable to nap the day away. She was restless. She couldn't bring herself to read or draw and she couldn't bring herself to nap. "What is wrong with me?" she whispered to herself in the quiet room. She heard small birds come and go outside of the window on the fire escape and the flutter of their wings comforted her in a way that calmed her racing heartbeat. She thought for a moment about how her life would be if Nancy didn't return. She would go home to her proud parents, they would have her debut in a beautiful gown, meet a young man that they had picked for her while she was away, she would marry that young man, children would be born, she would raise them without help from her husband, she would cook and clean, and tend to the house and children, and her husband would begin to resent her, leaving for work early and staying late to play with the receptionist. If she had daughters they would grow up to the same fate and if she had sons, she hoped they would be different from their horrid father. Carolyn's thoughts spun out of control with the scenario that caused her tears. She sat up in bed and laughed at herself.
"None of that has even happened," she chuckled. "What if it doesn't turn out that way? What if it turns out the way it's supposed to? What if it will make me happy?"
She thought about it for another moment, coming up with a positive scenario for her future and then she shook her head.
"No, no, no. That's not what I want. I want Nan."
There was a knock on the door and Carolyn got out of bed to check who it was. When she opened the door, she saw Roger holding a tray of food for her.
"I wanted to bring you supper," Roger said and smiled.
Carolyn let him into the room and he sat the tray of hot food on top of her desk. She closed the door.
"Is Nan's plan going to work, Roger?"
Roger turned to look at her and he scratched his head. "I think so."
"Well what is it exactly?"
"She told me not to tell. Nan wants to tell you."
Carolyn scoffed. "Well she could've told me before leaving! Now I'm just in the dark and I'm terribly worried."
"I told her you might be," Roger chuckled.
Carolyn sighed. "Thank you for the food."
"You're welcome," Roger replied. "Now I must get going. I'm leaving work early tonight."
"Any special reason?"
"If all goes well, then yes."
Carolyn was puzzled as to what Roger meant but before she could ask him to explain, he left through the door and closed it quietly behind him. She scoffed once more before sitting down at her desk to enjoy her supper. After eating she returned to her bed and cherished the coolness of the blankets and pillowcase. Maybe it was due to the combination of eating a full meal and the coolness of her bed but Carolyn was finally feeling comfortable enough to begin to fall asleep. She closed her heavy eyes and her breathing began to relax into a calm stream when she was suddenly interrupted by gentle knocking on the window leading out to the fire escape.